Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
