he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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