I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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