woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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