you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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