Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
