wanna go halves on a baby?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
