Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
