It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.