so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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