I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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