I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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