Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
