I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
