You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
