OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
