1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
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We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
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At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.