Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
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I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
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Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.