I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.