I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
