I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
