I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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