I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
