I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
