i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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