She is in my trunk
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
