I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
