god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I met the friendliest cop last night
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
