I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
