The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
