i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
