So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We named our party play list daddy issues
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
