If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
