Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
