She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
