I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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