found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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