so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
