Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
