I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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