You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
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My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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