if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
