I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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