Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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