I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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