I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
