He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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