Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
