My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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