I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
