If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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