she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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