While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she told me i tasted like america
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
