Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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