just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
