I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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