Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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