you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
