i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
