So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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