a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
