I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I will pee on everything he values.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
