If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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