I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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