My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
