either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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