You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
